For last year's words belong to last year's language
And next year's words await another voice.
And to make an end is to make a beginning.
~T.S. Eliot, "Little Gidding"
so with this year ending and a new beginning approaching, I have decided to make a resolution.
my mom and I were talking last week about the swing set we had growing up. Mother says ours was the only swing set in a 2 block radius and that sometimes she'd look out and see random kids swinging, digging, sliding etc. I loved that swing set, and it made me smile thinking about it, but it also made me so sad for my girls. I think you always imagine your kids growing up in ways similar to the way you did...and if you're lucky, they have it even better.
I always saw us in a house on a block in the same town I grew up in. I saw big backyards, sandboxes, sidewalks, skipping to friends' homes, warm and welcoming neighbors...I pictured my childhood with my kids' faces.
but things are very different for them.
we're living in a 2 bedroom condo with no backyard, about a million stairs leading in/out of our building, no friends within walking distance, no sidewalks, and one mean grouchy old lady below us who stinks up the hallway with her air "freshener" and constantly complains about the noise our girls make. it's exhausting and it's an awful feeling not wanting to be home~not feeling like our house is a home.
I worry about the effect it has on Birdie and her social life. I don't ever want the girls to be ashamed of where they live, but it's difficult to host playdates when you have to constantly remind 5 year olds that they can't be too loud or the woman downstairs may get mad. basically, it sucks.
and while I know it could always be worse, I feel like right now is pretty bad.
but I've resolved that this will be the year I get out of my head and focus on our blessings, our family, and what I can control. I am crying and my stomach is in knots while typing this, as I know that with our son's birth things will only get harder and tighter but I am resolving now to make the most of where we are. cheeseball or not, we have each other and that is all I really want and need.
so my 2012 voice will be filled with gratitude for what we do have and n̶o̶ very little whining about what we don't.
toodles, 2011. you can take your house-hate with you.