and then we had a boy.
and now everyone wants to know if we're "done".
and the answer is:
or, I hope not.
but I realize that sometimes things are out of our control.
Jimmy's birth, for instance, did not go at all how I'd planned.
after a scheduled c-section with Eenie due to her being breech, I hoped for a natural birth with Jimmy. for months I discussed it with my doctors, and with each conversation and each passing month, I felt confident that Jimmy's delivery would be different. and it was. much different.
on the evening of April 14th, I began timing my contractions. they averaged about 3 minutes apart. although they weren't painful, I was told by my doctor that because I was attempting a natural birth after a c-section, I shouldn't labor at home for too long.
so we called the doctor and then called my mom.
we were freaking.
I wasn't scared at all. I was weirdly excited about experiencing labor. I missed this part with Eenie, and I was really looking forward to all of it: the contractions, the anticipation of when exactly he'd come...everything.
after the doctor determined that I was, in fact, in labor and would be staying at the hospital until our baby was born, I was hooked up to internal monitors to keep an eye on our boy's heart rate and my contractions. everything was going the way it should. my contractions were getting more and more regular and painful and baby's heart rate was steady.
and then I sat up.
and our nurse raced in and she screamed for our doctor.
and then our doctor ran in and shouted something about an emergency section.
and everyone was screaming and running around.
someone threw scrubs at my man,
and I was rushed out of the room.
and I thought we were going to die.
I truly thought that my baby and I were going to die.
we were told that from the time the baby's heart rate dropped to the time he was born was less than 15 minutes.
it is amazing how much can pass through your mind in that tiny period of time.
while I was scared for the two of us, I remember being terrified for my parents and my husband and my girls. terrified that they would be so so sad, and terrified that it was all my fault.
and then in a moment of selfishness, I was terrified because I realized I was completely conscious and unmedicated and was about to be cut open.
and then I was out.
when I woke up about an hour and a half later the nurse explained to me that because of how much I was bleeding during labor and the drop in Jimmy's heart rate, they feared my uterus had ruptured. it had not, but the umbilical cord was wrapped tightly around the baby's neck and I knew that getting him out the way they did was the best thing that could have been done.
our baby was here, he was safe, he was perfect, and while nothing happened he way I thought it would, he is all we ever cared about.
so when people ask if we'll have any more, I guess the correct answer is: I don't know. I don't know what our future holds.
if I'm asked do I want any more, the answer is: yes.
without hesitation: yes.